Finding Strength In Vulnerability

I don’t know how often I have encouraged my clients during times of spiritual awakening and growth to embrace the notion that in vulnerability there is great strength. I have said that to them because I have lived it and I know it to be true. I also know that it is really uncomfortable which is why we often tend to avoid it by telling ourselves stories that justify our staying small. There is no easy road to living a fulfilled, conscious and authentic life. In fact, at times, there is a lot of confusion, disorder, anxiety, emotional chaos, and worse, at least for me, a lot of w-a-i- t- i- n- g for answers. It requires patience. I hate that part because I am not very patient. Patience with the unknown makes me feel out of control and that makes me feel vulnerable.

“Midway this way of life we’re bound upon, I woke to find myself in a dark wood, Where the right road was wholly lost and gone….It is so bitter it goes nigh to death.” Dante

Yep, that about sums it up. Whether in mid-life or any time in life, during periods of growth there is unknown and there is a death of sorts. We are asked, at times even commanded, to release what no longer works in our lives. This always seems to happen before there is a clear pathway to what is next. And if that isn’t hard enough, the real lesson is to enter into this process without judgement and to honor ourselves more graciously and compassionately than ever before. But always, no matter how difficult, we emerge more fulfilled, happy and closer to God.

So, yet again, I find myself in the “dark wood” wondering what old beliefs or outdated part of myself I am having to let go of in order to make room for the more fully authentic self that is coming next. Right now I am humbly reminding myself that part of my being in the dark wood is letting go of what I think others expect of me and finding, voicing and being my authentic and sometimes very imperfect human self.

The essence of living a spiritual life is that we are never done. And just when we think maybe we are, we are thrown mercilessly into upheaval. Perhaps this happens because the reality is that we can get very comfortable disappearing from ourselves. We can be very good at hiding from who we really are and what we really want and need to do with our lives. We don’t do it on purpose, it is insidious. That is why we tend to have to be jolted and shaken up and out of any inauthentic or outdated part of our selves in order to evolve.

I recently came across a small leather book that a client gave me for Christmas in December of 1999. Embossed on the cover was the word “WORDS”. Starting In January of 2000, for six months every night before I went to sleep I wrote something about the day. As I read it I wept at the poignancy of my connection to God, to nature and to me and to my life during that time. I was not in the dark wood, but rather, in the blissful illumination of divine flow. My faith in that state of mind as being sustainable, happy and gloriously normal, is complete. And in these past fourteen years I have come to know that in order to keep growing, I have to maintain a spiritual practice to develop my courage and my tolerance for staying with the vulnerability that is the precursor to awakening further to the wonder of God in my life.

My practice is allowing me to step into the dark wood again. I can’t do it alone so I’m getting help, divine and mortal! Daily I am praying for the courage to whole-heartedly listen, wait, break apart, welcome back, do whatever I need to do with all of the different parts of my life, in order to clear the debris blocking the pathway to my soul; to that blessed, sacred place where God lives within me. When I get scared and want to retreat, I have only to think of what I would have to lose….everything.

Five Things You Need To Have Work Life Balance

Know What You Want And Be Intentional

A very important aspect of living a spiritual life is being intentional. Intention requires being awake and knowing what we need and want in order to be at our best for ourselves and for others. This is particularly true with the topic of work life balance because this is where, if we don’t get it right, we end up living with regret and guilt.

Integrating our work with the rest of our lives is particularly challenging which makes it so important that we are clear about what we want and need. Unfortunately the majority of organizations have yet to provide the institutional support to make managing the complexities of life easy so most of the time we have to negotiate this. We can’t successfully negotiate anything unless we know what we want; and I mean what we want, not what we think we can get.

Here are five things that to know that will help you create a life where your time and energy are calibrated correctly with your priorities:

#1: Work Life Balance is A Myth, But Don’ Panic, Keep Reading, I’ve Got Something Better

According to Webster Dictionary the verb balance means “to arrange so that one set of elements exactly equals another.” I think most of us would agree that we all have many different elements in our lives that we are managing. I also believe that when we really look at our lives honestly, there isn’t a single moment or even day in which we would say that all the elements of our lives are equal in importance and therefore need to be in equal balance in terms of our time or mind share.

The word that actually makes sense and is the reality for most of us is integration, which means “to form, coordinate, or blend into a functioning or unified whole.”

#2: You Can’t Integrate The Whole Without Knowing Each Of The Individual Parts

This may sound obvious but I can’t tell you how illuminating it is to actually write down all of the parts of your life that you are managing. So often we tend to just do what we have to do and we don’t take the time to appreciate ourselves or our accomplishments. Writing this down gives you the opportunity to see and appreciate the breadth and depth of your life. It might also help you understand why your feel tired sometimes!

#3: Prioritize What Is Important To You And Why

As you look at each component: work, children, extended family, exercise, spiritual practice, volunteer work, whatever the many parts are, prioritize their importance based on your life right now. I say “right now” because life is dynamic. Things like the ages of your children or parents, your age and the stage you are in with your career, whether you are partnered or single, the age and health of your partner etc…impact the importance of things and change over time. Ask yourself, “What is important about this to me right now?” This will help you understand what you want and why you want it. Knowing this will inform your decisions about where you are willing to make trade-offs and where you are not.

#4: Create Your Pie Of Life

I use this tool consistently myself and with my clients because it is simple and it works. Draw a circle, like a pie, and divide the pie into pieces the size of which indicates where you spend your time today.

Now, look at your priority list and see if you are spending time on the things that are most important to you. If you are, congratulations!

If you aren’t, then create your ideal pie based on your priorities. You will quickly see that it is integration you are after, not balance. Each piece of the pie will likely be a different size. Do a gap analysis looking at what your ideal is and where you are today.

#5: Recognize The Signs Of Misalignment And Fix Them

Our emotions are the best indicator of how our lives are working. If you are feeling out of sorts, chances are your pie isn’t divided up right. Knowing how you want those pieces to look is critical because it is the first place to look when you feel off your game. It will tell you precisely where you are out of alignment with your priorities.

Some gaps are fixed quickly but others are more complicated, particularly if they involve other people. As you work toward realignment set realistic goals, be patient and stay positively and peacefully focused on your intentions. There is a practice in the Hindu, Buddhist and Jainist traditions called Ahimsa which is the practice of non violence toward all living things. If you practice ahimsa as you make your recalibrations they will be sustainable and work positively for you as well as for the others in your life.

Sheila Madden is the CEO of Madden Coaching & Consulting where she coaches individuals and organizations to maximize their potential and their happiness.

Taking the Guilt Out of Guilty Pleasure

Today is one of those days when I have changed my clothes five times, seriously. It is 6:15pm and I am now in the fifth combination of clothes and what I hope is the final thing I wear today as I get ready to walk the dogs with my husband.

When this happens it can mean a number of things, none of which are necessarily good. It could be:

I’ve got a lot of different activities going on which require different clothes (somewhat true today but not really if I’d made the right choice first thing in the morning
I am having a bad hair day (totally true today, and, am I right, does anything knock you off your game more than a bad hair day?)
Or, I am just indecisive and can’t focus because I have conflicting ideas of what I “should” be doing versus what I want to do (also very true today but I can’t emphasize enough the impact of the bad hair situation)

The crux of my conflict is that it has been an amazingly warm day today. Unfortunately because it is a work day, I am experiencing counter currents inside my head. They have created an unstoppable distraction and caused a complete lack of focus because, well, I don’t want to work today. I want to be outside playing.

Instead, I have been in my office trying to work but my eyes keep gazing out the window and a very bossy voice inside my head is saying, “Get the hell outside it is 70 degrees. This happens about three times in as many years.”

Then the other responsible voice in my head counters with, “What kind of professional are you? You already did that, you walked along the ocean three hours ago for 45 minutes. You soaked up the rays and watched the surfers now, be an adult and do your job”.

And just now, when maybe I am starting to get a little focus, like on writing this blog, then there is the light. The light is coming through the trees and illuminating the leaves at the exact moment that the unusually dry wind is gently blowing them and I am mesmerized. My eye can’t leave it. I am watching the magnificent early evening light shift across the front yard and now land on a hummingbird who, unlike me and uncharacteristic of itself, has landed. Even the hummingbird has enough sense to slow down and take in the day.

My husband watches me in silence as I flit around in circles, in and out of my closet and in and out of the house. His silence has been honed through 25 years of marriage. But when I whine, “I just want to just be outside today and not work” he responds simply, yet emphatically, “Then go outside. This is why you own your own business. You’re the boss. Stop torturing yourself and feeling guilty and dig in with delight.”

Oh I knew I married the right man. We walked the dogs and I’m heading back to the beach to allow myself the pure pleasure of seeing, smelling and feeling an early spring sunset over an uncommonly calm Pacific coast. I will sleep well tonight and tomorrow I know I will be in one outfit all day, the others are in the laundry, having been used today.

Women & Spirituality

live and work with purpose, passion and pleasure

Month: April 2014